palwannabe

May 8, 2015

Hating God

Filed under: Children,Disabilities,Faith,Religion — by gailc120 @ 3:25 pm
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Another prompt!

  • ‘Frankly, Rosebud, you can’t handle the truth!’ Have a favorite line from a movie?

    I think one of my most favorite lines is from the movie “Lethal Weapon”. Danny Glover says to Mel Gibson “God hates me.”

    Mel, without missing a beat, says “Hate him back-it works for me.”

    How great is that??

    When I found out my first two sons had mental disabilities, it was pretty devastating. I was divorced from their father, living back home with my parents and very depressed. I was working part time as a nurse, on varied shifts. I was exhausted. Then the behavior issues with the boys began to show up.

    My oldest son was so hyperactive that by age three I was asking the doctor to put him on Ritalin. He said no, that he was too young to diagnose. One babysitter after another would keep him one day and quit, saying they could not manage him. My mother ended up being the one to care for him most of the time while I worked.

    At the same time, his younger brother was diagnosed with “PDD-NOS”-Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. I followed the recommendation of the education agency and put him in special education preschool, full time. He was three years old. I got him in to speech therapy and occupational therapy. It seemed like I was constantly at a school meeting or therapy session. By this time I had my oldest son in a church daycare program. But his behavior problems persisted. The only difference was that they did not kick him out.

    So, that gives you the background for what I am about to say.

    I hated God back then. It was a shock even to me when I realized that.

    It happened one night when I got home from work. I went upstairs to go to bed with the boys. I slept with them because the younger one would get up in the night and wander. I was afraid I might not wake up and he would get hurt.

    So, I went to climb in to bed, but instead found myself just staring at my sleeping boys. Suddenly, I was filled with anger, almost a rage.

    I looked out the window at the stars and hissed at God “YOU did this! You gave them to me and you knew better! You knew I could never give them all they need and you gave them to me anyway-I hate your guts!”

    It felt liberating in a way to chew his ass out. I finally could say how I felt-no guilt, no fear. I just put it out there.

    Those boys are now 22 and 20, respectively. They have problems to this day. It has been a very long journey. Did it end up with me having faith in God again? Not really. I did for a time. But it has never been a strong, lasting faith. Now, it is really not even a belief in God. I have seen too much. No loving god would allow people to suffer as they do. That has been my conclusion. He is either not in control of things or he IS and that means he’s a jerk. I would rather believe he does not exist at all.

    “Hating him back” worked for a while, though. Thanks Mel! I needed that advice!

May 7, 2015

Depression: My Lifelong Struggle

Filed under: Mental Health — by gailc120 @ 12:03 pm
Tags: , , ,

I ran across this writing prompt ( I love prompts!):

  • If you could create a painless, inexpensive cure for a single ailment, what would you cure and why?

    My answer would have to be depression. I recently told my eight year old son that if he becomes a scientist, I wish he would find a cure for depression. I said there is enough research about cancer. I think depression kills more people, honestly. And it kills them a little at a time.

    When I was thirteen, I had a long struggle with depression and anxiety. But back then, in the late 1970’s, depression in children was mostly ignored. We were told we had “growing pains”, that we were just being dramatic, that all this was “normal” at our age. Looking back, it was anything but those things. Crying every day is not normal. My grades plummeted. I stopped bathing. All I wanted to do was sleep, just to escape. I started smoking-just what I could steal from my mom’s carton of cigarettes. I liked the head buzz it gave me for just a few minutes a day.

    None of that was really normal.

    My depression seemed to get batter with age. Then after the birth of my second child, it came roaring back in to my life. I could barely go to work each day or take care of our two sons. I finally told my doctor what was happening. He prescribed Prozac and it was like a miracle! I felt good, really “normal” for a change.

    I would like to tell you that was the end of it, that I was cured. That has not been the case. Much later  and many more meds tried, I struggle to this day. Multiple suicide attempts were botched or thwarted. Numerous trips to the psych ward and treatment facilities have failed to cure my illness.

    Don’t get me wrong-I am glad to be alive today. There are many good things about my life, blessings too numerous to list. Still, there are days when I have no energy, days I cry for no apparent reason, days I cannot force myself to leave the house. I am no longer able to hold a job. I receive Social Security and spend my days just trying to keep the dishes and laundry done. If I have an ounce of energy left, I sew.

    I try not to be bitter or jealous when I see other people my age out there living what seem like fuller lives than mine. Still, I wish I could do the things they do with little apparent effort.

    So, if I could cure one ailment it would be depression. There are so many of us out here, watching the comings and goings of others, wishing we could be what we once were or at least dreamed we would be. Most of us are not celebrities. When one of us does commit suicide, the nation does not mourn. Sadly, we are a statistic. This needs to change. I only hope in my lifetime, the cure is finally found.

  • For more information on depression and other mental illnesses, visit NAMI. (https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI).

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