palwannabe

May 8, 2015

Hating God

Filed under: Children,Disabilities,Faith,Religion — by gailc120 @ 3:25 pm
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Another prompt!

  • ‘Frankly, Rosebud, you can’t handle the truth!’ Have a favorite line from a movie?

    I think one of my most favorite lines is from the movie “Lethal Weapon”. Danny Glover says to Mel Gibson “God hates me.”

    Mel, without missing a beat, says “Hate him back-it works for me.”

    How great is that??

    When I found out my first two sons had mental disabilities, it was pretty devastating. I was divorced from their father, living back home with my parents and very depressed. I was working part time as a nurse, on varied shifts. I was exhausted. Then the behavior issues with the boys began to show up.

    My oldest son was so hyperactive that by age three I was asking the doctor to put him on Ritalin. He said no, that he was too young to diagnose. One babysitter after another would keep him one day and quit, saying they could not manage him. My mother ended up being the one to care for him most of the time while I worked.

    At the same time, his younger brother was diagnosed with “PDD-NOS”-Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. I followed the recommendation of the education agency and put him in special education preschool, full time. He was three years old. I got him in to speech therapy and occupational therapy. It seemed like I was constantly at a school meeting or therapy session. By this time I had my oldest son in a church daycare program. But his behavior problems persisted. The only difference was that they did not kick him out.

    So, that gives you the background for what I am about to say.

    I hated God back then. It was a shock even to me when I realized that.

    It happened one night when I got home from work. I went upstairs to go to bed with the boys. I slept with them because the younger one would get up in the night and wander. I was afraid I might not wake up and he would get hurt.

    So, I went to climb in to bed, but instead found myself just staring at my sleeping boys. Suddenly, I was filled with anger, almost a rage.

    I looked out the window at the stars and hissed at God “YOU did this! You gave them to me and you knew better! You knew I could never give them all they need and you gave them to me anyway-I hate your guts!”

    It felt liberating in a way to chew his ass out. I finally could say how I felt-no guilt, no fear. I just put it out there.

    Those boys are now 22 and 20, respectively. They have problems to this day. It has been a very long journey. Did it end up with me having faith in God again? Not really. I did for a time. But it has never been a strong, lasting faith. Now, it is really not even a belief in God. I have seen too much. No loving god would allow people to suffer as they do. That has been my conclusion. He is either not in control of things or he IS and that means he’s a jerk. I would rather believe he does not exist at all.

    “Hating him back” worked for a while, though. Thanks Mel! I needed that advice!

May 7, 2015

Depression: My Lifelong Struggle

Filed under: Mental Health — by gailc120 @ 12:03 pm
Tags: , , ,

I ran across this writing prompt ( I love prompts!):

  • If you could create a painless, inexpensive cure for a single ailment, what would you cure and why?

    My answer would have to be depression. I recently told my eight year old son that if he becomes a scientist, I wish he would find a cure for depression. I said there is enough research about cancer. I think depression kills more people, honestly. And it kills them a little at a time.

    When I was thirteen, I had a long struggle with depression and anxiety. But back then, in the late 1970’s, depression in children was mostly ignored. We were told we had “growing pains”, that we were just being dramatic, that all this was “normal” at our age. Looking back, it was anything but those things. Crying every day is not normal. My grades plummeted. I stopped bathing. All I wanted to do was sleep, just to escape. I started smoking-just what I could steal from my mom’s carton of cigarettes. I liked the head buzz it gave me for just a few minutes a day.

    None of that was really normal.

    My depression seemed to get batter with age. Then after the birth of my second child, it came roaring back in to my life. I could barely go to work each day or take care of our two sons. I finally told my doctor what was happening. He prescribed Prozac and it was like a miracle! I felt good, really “normal” for a change.

    I would like to tell you that was the end of it, that I was cured. That has not been the case. Much later  and many more meds tried, I struggle to this day. Multiple suicide attempts were botched or thwarted. Numerous trips to the psych ward and treatment facilities have failed to cure my illness.

    Don’t get me wrong-I am glad to be alive today. There are many good things about my life, blessings too numerous to list. Still, there are days when I have no energy, days I cry for no apparent reason, days I cannot force myself to leave the house. I am no longer able to hold a job. I receive Social Security and spend my days just trying to keep the dishes and laundry done. If I have an ounce of energy left, I sew.

    I try not to be bitter or jealous when I see other people my age out there living what seem like fuller lives than mine. Still, I wish I could do the things they do with little apparent effort.

    So, if I could cure one ailment it would be depression. There are so many of us out here, watching the comings and goings of others, wishing we could be what we once were or at least dreamed we would be. Most of us are not celebrities. When one of us does commit suicide, the nation does not mourn. Sadly, we are a statistic. This needs to change. I only hope in my lifetime, the cure is finally found.

  • For more information on depression and other mental illnesses, visit NAMI. (https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI).

April 19, 2015

Why Such Hate?

Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 8:05 am
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Whenever I see an article about an attack on a mosque it just sort of blows me away.

How do people get filled with that kind of hatred?

In my city, Cedar rapids, Iowa, we have the oldest standing mosque in North America. The Mother Mosque is a historical site more than a functioning place of worship. In our infamous flood of 2008, the mosque was badly damaged. But people from all over the community helped to clean up and restore it. There were volunteers from several Christian churches who got involved in this effort.

As for worshiping, we have the Islamic Center of Cedar Rapids for that. This is a very welcoming place, no matter what faith you subscribe to. Again, members from across the community attend special events here. The center also houses a Montessori school for grades K-3 which is open to anyone, regardless of faith. When I was involved with Veterans For Peace, the Islamic Center graciously allowed us to host dinners and speakers there, free of charge.

So it astounds me when I hear of people who hate Muslims so much they would vandalize a mosque. I would feel the same way if it were any place of worship, really. But it seems Muslims are getting the brunt of this sort of crime.

I personally am an agnostic. I am a doubter of God. So, it matters not to me if you worship God or Allah or Vishnu.  I simply  do not care. I think religion is delusional but that is my opinion. I have no inclination to convert anyone to my way of thinking. So, why would I care to vandalize a mosque? Or church or synagogue, for that matter.

People who would do this must be very insecure in their own faith to feel so threatened by another. If your faith in your God is solid, why would the faith of another person bother you so much?

I think some folks are also just plain ignorant. They hate Muslims without even knowing one. To me, that is just twisted. These peopled need professional counseling of some sort, to get over themselves.

Just a few of my thoughts at 3 am.

April 13, 2015

“Tell me, what is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 11:42 am

My one “wild and precious life”? I know it is precious. I have never thought of it as being “wild”. This is a concept I must take a serious look at!

The Daily Post

Perhaps this might be, as American author Joan Didion phrases it, a “bankrupt morning” where you wake up, devoid of inspiration for your creative projects.

Learn more about Mary Oliver and see her complete bibliography. Mary Oliver and Percy Photo Mary Oliver and Percy. (Photo 2005 by Rachel Giese Brown.)

In honor of National Poetry Month, I’ve got some inspiration in a very short recommended read from the poet Mary Oliver. In her poem The Summer Day, she mediates on creation and attention, and in so doing, urges us to seize possibility with a beautifully simple question:

Tell me, what is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
The Summer Day by Mary Oliver

Listen to Mary Oliver read The Summer Day:

And now, Tell me, what is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

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December 14, 2014

Visiting soldier can’t stay in wife’s apartment, landlord says

Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 12:52 am

Very sad that this family is being treated this way! I would think a bent rule wouldn’t kill the landlord, would it??

Q13 FOX News

Sergeant William Bolt says his wife's landlord won't let him husband stay at her apartment. Sergeant William Bolt says his wife’s landlord won’t let him husband stay at her apartment.

Central, SC (WHNS) — A soldier returning home for the holidays to see his wife and newborn baby in Central, South Carolina is being kicked out of his wife’s apartment after the landlord said he is overstaying the time allowed for visitors.

Sergeant William Bolt is stationed in Missouri, but his wife has been in Central. She gave birth to their daughter two weeks ago.

Bolt said the landlord at The Groves apartment complex in Central told him he had overstayed, saying visitors are not allowed to stay in the apartments past seven days, per the agreement signed by Bolt’s wife, Lily.

“I’m stationed in Missouri and we haven’t seen each other in six months. What’s the problem with me staying and visiting with my wife?” Bolt said.

The landlord, whose name is…

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April 19, 2013

Give Me Something to Believe In

Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 12:08 pm
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Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.

Okay. That is the title of a song by the rock band Poison.-Something to Believe In. Aren’t we all looking for that in some way, especially with all the recent news? Shootings, bombings, continuing war and threats of more war.  It is enough to make a person wonder if any good is left in this world.

There is, and it was confirmed yesterday for me by my little boy. He is six and in the first grade. The school he attends does a great job with a whole lot of  students who are low income or from broken homes or single parents-or all of the above!

Yesterday was the kindergarten/first grade music program. My husband made arrangements to go with me, taking time off from work to attend. But as the program began, something disturbing unfolded there before our eyes. A little boy, in jeans and a white(sort of) T-shirt, standing by our son, started to look the crowd over intently. He searched and searched, then began to cry. Obviously, he was looking for a parent or grandparent-anyone, for God’s sake-to be there watching him. My husband and I saw this and we both nearly cried ourselves!

Suddenly though, our little boy put his arm around his friend to comfort him. Throughout the show, he did this several times and spoke in his ear, smiling. Each time his little friend began to cry again, he showed him a bit of kindness.

I was so proud of my son!

After the show, I made it a point to seek out the  disappointed child and tell him what a super job he did. Then, my husband and I made sure to tell our son what a good and caring thing he had done.

It was heartbreaking but encouraging at the same time. There is hope-a better world can be! It will be created by our children, if we teach them well.

All of this gives me something to believe in!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y2ItpKiabc

September 29, 2012

I remember a pr…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 11:39 am

I remember a pr….

I remember a pr…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 11:18 am
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I remember a preacher who was very passionate about sharing his faith.

One day in a sermon, he repeated the theme, “I have a burden”. It was a burden he chose, to do all he could to better the lives of others. It took him away from home quite often. It took time away from his own family. But it was a calling, one he took very seriously.

I feel that way about waging peace. I want to shout to the world, “What in God’s name are we doing? Why are we killing, instead of growing something good?”

Maybe it is in my blood, my roots.

I am an Iowa farm girl. We grow things here. We are about creating things, not destroying them. We are about planting seeds and hoping something good springs from them.

So, today my burden is to plant the seeds of peace, love and tolerance.

I may not live to see the harvest but I will know it started with me.

September 26, 2012

The Storm

Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 3:22 pm

This is how it feels at times.

It is a storm, raging through my life, my family, my home.

It threatens to swallow me up in its fury.

I cannot run from it.It is too swift and powerful.

So, face it, I must. And I will.

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Filed under: Uncategorized — by gailc120 @ 3:12 pm

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